Never Did I Know...

When thee asked am I serious and demand the very truth from me...

I was thinking, did I or did I not...
I know I changed my routine because I want to be the same place as thee did, doing the same thing too..
It was such a moment that had imprinted but I cannot say out loud

And so I answered yes it is.
I do not think of what would happen, nor expect anything in return. Because I know, there isn't anything gonna happen.

I said, there was 50% of fake because this is not thee wanted, also because I wasn't really sure what I have felt. I have been advised, maybe it ain't like that. And I should keep observe, and remains the bond. I have been told, to promised everything will be fine. And I couldn't...because deep down I did not want to. Never did I know, I could feel that strong of jealousy deep inside me.

And now, I'm still in confusion. No agony, no sadness, a little depression, a little....wondering. The wondering of...why am I still this calm, this cool, as if ....i have lost the ability to love, to seek for it. And maybe I did.

Let me be.... Perhaps that was for the good. For the past is still haunting me, and I'm in doubt that I know how to love. Fear within ain't easy, tho I deserved it...for what I did in the past.

How Did I Make Myself So Pathethic

I don't often write. As I'm a big time lazy bump and I don't have confident in my writing. Still, blogger seems like a consistent place I would signing in once in awhile when I need a space to vent out or looking back my past again.

Today, I sign in just to check what did I wrote in my past year. Realize that it was all about job complaining and stress on works. I have been wondering, anything I can do to make it better or not. Of course the final option would be find another job ya, tho I have yet wanted to come to this choice.

I figure I had been struggling throughout my whole year dealing with stress on works and my emotion. It has been very dynamic and oftenly I'm hit with the emotion of "giving up". Not just about works, but everything with life, people and even world. Of course I know this is madness so yea, I have very unstable mood swing on going to the point that I feel real bad for people around me. I'm so sorry for that!

The second part of the year is the most challenging ever. The specialist left the work place, undergoing reorganization, my once in a 5 years mood swing, friendship detachment......so much happened in few months. Now I'm back to being normal, getting closer with people and colleague slightly, although I still feel myself detach from the group. I don't know what can I do about it, I'm aware I'm not very friendly person that people would wanted to talk with me in first place. So mm...let see how.

A little derail: 
Recently, seeing someone being close with the group make me feel jealous. I don't know how should I describe the feeling I had. Like a toy been taken away kind of feeling? Worse is, I know someone is more comfortable with the group, as that is where they belong, but not me....I just can't see myself fit in. And yes, I know I'm over thinking again....just I can't shake the thought off it. Somehow, it make feel like giving up, that kind of feeling just keep on haunting me. Sigh.

Break the Chain

Just when I thought I'm doing a good job in keeping my emotion stable especially when I have to on site for one of the most difficult client. Thing just have to happened in such a predictable way and ruin my day completely.

I really hate it when I clearly see what kind of game each side trying to play and I got involved into it. Sometimes, I rather to be an idiot especially this kind of moment, or I should just stop being kind, to be such a considerate person when I only get peanut. And blame my moral and honesty also, telling a truth never get me good things. I should start telling filtered truth and lies.

I better be sure that next time I should just tell a partial truth, and learn to be an ass hole. What is the point of being a kind person and you get bully only. Best part is, don't even get any support at all. Might as well just ditch my expectations too, I knew it just going to be like this.

Ya I know, Im the one look for this myself. You don't say.

Wave to the past.

Okay, I've been pretty pessimistic and blue recently. To think that I can do a lot more than I could and yet don't see any fruitful result, I started to have more and more self doubt or I probably putting too high expectation there. Again, I feel that I really dislike manage people. Not that I can't do it, more like I trying to shelter everyone included emotions and it brings an influence to myself. Not to say, I'm really bad in confronting people....maybe not confronting but "moment of truth" with people :(

So, I'm writing today to hopefully change this behavior, or I should say I need and must make it happen. I don't like with this going on, I rather I can still laugh my days off and thinking tomorrow is another brilliant day, instead of dragging myself to work and cursing it over and over. The options I have now is, I can at least change self do I? Then, let practicing it start from today!

P/S: Anyway I gotta start planning what is going to happen after I transfer as well. Be it internal or external, it won't be forever like this.

Another P/S: I missed my old working place, always with the jokers that really make my day D: When can I have one like that here ouch!

Mouth Management

I may have share a little too much recently with what I had in mind, especially perception toward each individual. It actually caused that I whine alot again, not a good sign and I better put a footstop.

Besides, pretty sure I'm still feeling insecure and not confident in dealing with people. Sometimes, it really stir up a bad side of me and trying hard to tame the inner beast before it releases the claw and roar.