The Beginning

It has been a long long while, I stop posting after I realized how toxic this blog has turn to. I'm back here today because I really need a space to write it out yet I'm too lazy to create a new place. I'm not sure if I could finish this life changing  story but I will try my best perhaps.

Dated back to end of August. I met a cat and after discussion with housemates. We decided to keep the cat as second cat in household and she will be mine. Never did I know this decision has cost me a lot in near future back then. I was acting on impulsive and did not think through it clearly.

We sent the cat to night hour vet for immediate checkup just to make sure she is clear of flea, felv and so on. We been told she has heart murmur but doesn't look like something serious to take note of. All seems good and we get to bring her back home. Now that I recall, the vet did told us everything looks good and we should put her back to where she is from. I didn't quite understand what he meant back then, did he think we are not capable of taking care of her or he found something out during checkup and pre-warning, never I can find out anymore.

Next day, after a few failed attempts trying to find out who is her previous owner since this kid obviously been microchipped, we concluded I will just keep her as my cat as agreed, and hence she is given a name - Korra. Inspiration from Avatar for wishing she can be as strong as Korra the Avatar.

-- to be continue --

Never Did I Know...

When thee asked am I serious and demand the very truth from me...

I was thinking, did I or did I not...
I know I changed my routine because I want to be the same place as thee did, doing the same thing too..
It was such a moment that had imprinted but I cannot say out loud

And so I answered yes it is.
I do not think of what would happen, nor expect anything in return. Because I know, there isn't anything gonna happen.

I said, there was 50% of fake because this is not thee wanted, also because I wasn't really sure what I have felt. I have been advised, maybe it ain't like that. And I should keep observe, and remains the bond. I have been told, to promised everything will be fine. And I couldn't...because deep down I did not want to. Never did I know, I could feel that strong of jealousy deep inside me.

And now, I'm still in confusion. No agony, no sadness, a little depression, a little....wondering. The wondering of...why am I still this calm, this cool, as if ....i have lost the ability to love, to seek for it. And maybe I did.

Let me be.... Perhaps that was for the good. For the past is still haunting me, and I'm in doubt that I know how to love. Fear within ain't easy, tho I deserved it...for what I did in the past.

How Did I Make Myself So Pathethic

I don't often write. As I'm a big time lazy bump and I don't have confident in my writing. Still, blogger seems like a consistent place I would signing in once in awhile when I need a space to vent out or looking back my past again.

Today, I sign in just to check what did I wrote in my past year. Realize that it was all about job complaining and stress on works. I have been wondering, anything I can do to make it better or not. Of course the final option would be find another job ya, tho I have yet wanted to come to this choice.

I figure I had been struggling throughout my whole year dealing with stress on works and my emotion. It has been very dynamic and oftenly I'm hit with the emotion of "giving up". Not just about works, but everything with life, people and even world. Of course I know this is madness so yea, I have very unstable mood swing on going to the point that I feel real bad for people around me. I'm so sorry for that!

The second part of the year is the most challenging ever. The specialist left the work place, undergoing reorganization, my once in a 5 years mood swing, friendship detachment......so much happened in few months. Now I'm back to being normal, getting closer with people and colleague slightly, although I still feel myself detach from the group. I don't know what can I do about it, I'm aware I'm not very friendly person that people would wanted to talk with me in first place. So mm...let see how.

A little derail: 
Recently, seeing someone being close with the group make me feel jealous. I don't know how should I describe the feeling I had. Like a toy been taken away kind of feeling? Worse is, I know someone is more comfortable with the group, as that is where they belong, but not me....I just can't see myself fit in. And yes, I know I'm over thinking again....just I can't shake the thought off it. Somehow, it make feel like giving up, that kind of feeling just keep on haunting me. Sigh.

Break the Chain

Just when I thought I'm doing a good job in keeping my emotion stable especially when I have to on site for one of the most difficult client. Thing just have to happened in such a predictable way and ruin my day completely.

I really hate it when I clearly see what kind of game each side trying to play and I got involved into it. Sometimes, I rather to be an idiot especially this kind of moment, or I should just stop being kind, to be such a considerate person when I only get peanut. And blame my moral and honesty also, telling a truth never get me good things. I should start telling filtered truth and lies.

I better be sure that next time I should just tell a partial truth, and learn to be an ass hole. What is the point of being a kind person and you get bully only. Best part is, don't even get any support at all. Might as well just ditch my expectations too, I knew it just going to be like this.

Ya I know, Im the one look for this myself. You don't say.

Wave to the past.

Okay, I've been pretty pessimistic and blue recently. To think that I can do a lot more than I could and yet don't see any fruitful result, I started to have more and more self doubt or I probably putting too high expectation there. Again, I feel that I really dislike manage people. Not that I can't do it, more like I trying to shelter everyone included emotions and it brings an influence to myself. Not to say, I'm really bad in confronting people....maybe not confronting but "moment of truth" with people :(

So, I'm writing today to hopefully change this behavior, or I should say I need and must make it happen. I don't like with this going on, I rather I can still laugh my days off and thinking tomorrow is another brilliant day, instead of dragging myself to work and cursing it over and over. The options I have now is, I can at least change self do I? Then, let practicing it start from today!

P/S: Anyway I gotta start planning what is going to happen after I transfer as well. Be it internal or external, it won't be forever like this.

Another P/S: I missed my old working place, always with the jokers that really make my day D: When can I have one like that here ouch!

Mouth Management

I may have share a little too much recently with what I had in mind, especially perception toward each individual. It actually caused that I whine alot again, not a good sign and I better put a footstop.

Besides, pretty sure I'm still feeling insecure and not confident in dealing with people. Sometimes, it really stir up a bad side of me and trying hard to tame the inner beast before it releases the claw and roar.

The Victims

For those who wouldn't take initiative and passive, I don't bother anymore. You may think that I'm someone hard to deal with, but it was never easy for me as well. Sometimes, I choose to be quiet as I believe in the fact that those who understand me would understand, those who doesn't just would not. And thus, I choose to move on, despite occasionally it still getting on my nerve. But let face this, I don't have time to take care of your mood when I barely can manage mine. Continue to act like a victim, I will take in your blames on me and choose to move on.

You may have think I'm heartless for not trying to make efforts for you, how do you know and so assure that I did not. When I simply choose not to voice out my internal struggle and trying to fix it again and again in my own way, yet keep getting the same results over and over again.

I get tired of this shit. Continue act like a victim, as I would as well. If destiny means for us to heading in different path, so be it.

Sleepless Night

So much changes have gone through that I'm getting this "I am female" awareness more and more.

I get myself feminine outfit during shopping.

I did more beauty care and check on mirror more often.

I take attention on my posture.

I care about how I look and wanted to work out for body shaping.

Apart of that, at this moment and this late hour, I am thinking if I could have someone hug me to sleep, or make love to me.

I supposed I am getting tired of living independently and desire for one who can let me lean on, sharing my joy and sorrow.

Sadly I also know that there isn't a right guy yet. The right one that would make me crazy after him. Afterall I am very aware that it is not easy for me to develop feeling for a person. I am always too calm, too rational, close to heartless.

Tough week that I had

Dear Blog

29th July: Got myself into a long session of argument with best buddy while busy with my works in customer site. Never an easy job to troubleshoot machines while handle people issues (him and clients). Heavy rain poured down forced us to stay in house and skipped lunch on that day, starved to hell. Just when I thought this is bad enough yet fate decided to leave me no mercy as one of the car drove through water pool on roadside and I ended up half wet during my way. And the fight with best buddy ended with no ending, I'm way too tired to deal with it anymore. #whydothistome

30th July: Sick symptom kicks in. Stay in office to finished up some other in house stuff whereas I need to get my mind clear off slightly. Took in some Vitamin C and praying super hard that I can get better on next morning day.

31st July: Officially man down. A little too late to rely on Vitamin C on this moment and I just have to visit Watson again to get a flu medicine this time #Ihatetobesick.

1st Aug: At least I'm getting good stuff today that my condition is getting well. And managed to find a working solution for a long pending task which I had tossed aside for a while. #thankgod

Verdict: When the confrontation came on me, I was thinking "not again..." since this is not the first time it is happen. It kinda make me start to think, perhaps we do have different expectations there and he did proved me wrong for thinking that he is one of the person that would have understand me more than anyone else. I was wrong, no one would... and I accepted it.

Signing off.

Procrastination Is A Sin

Once upon a time, we used to stand on the same level of beginning point. Today, I realized how far certain people had moved on and achieved so much, and some still lingering around in the same place, included me.

First, he used to be my classmate. Now he owned a car, houses and had just done his a month of Europe tour.

Second, he used to be my colleague. Now he is married, went through few jumping of job level and now as a technical consultant in one of the recognized MNC.

Third, used to be my colleague as well and who came in later than me. Now he is certified professional and working as Security Consultant. 

Fourth, my niece who is 2 years younger. Been promoted recently and earning more than 4k in my hometown (which is something VERY VERY IMPRESSIVE). Owning her own car and house and getting marry soon.

Now, here is something I'm very sure a few people will tell me. (especially from a guy that I knew he will definitely say that)

"You don't compare!"

Honestly, comparison is a way to gauge where did I stand in the path of life. Through compare, this is where I came to realize I have been staying in comfort zone far too long and I have been procrastinating to make any move even I wanted, because it is too good to stay in the beginning point. So, I wouldn't say it is a bad thing, otherwise I would still in the same place and wasting my time. And I can assure I did not want to heard that sentence from the people who still in the zone because this is what they like, they want and they do not understand me well enough to say that. All I know is that

"Procrastination is a sin"

Do it now before you started to regret it, because it is too late by that time. Time cannot be reversed and waits no one. I shall dedicated this to one particular stubborn person who I know, despite this person read the post or not. The moment you stop compare, is the moment you stopped moving and give up to fight because life is always struggling for fight.

Interview Strategy

Preparation is a must in order to nail a job and this is what I came through while looking for one.

Find out company profile
This is common sense. You should find out every single thing about the company. Look into glassdoor, linkedin, facebook, web site, tweeter and etc. Figure out who they are and what is their business, objective.

Who worked there and how is the working environment.
Start checking out the people and find out if they provided the work place, the team that made you wanted to join.

What is the key elements of new hire
Up until here, it should be easy for you to figure out what is the key attributes they are looking from a new hire, and if you have fulfill the role they want. Hardworking, optimistic, fun, smart, creative, confidence and etc.

Getting there
If you want the job,  list down these key elements and start practicing them. Anticipate the interview process and draft your answers to nail it down.

Also, search out those general interview questions and make your answers vary according to the attributes the company wants. That should make you well prepared and confident during the interview, instead of nervous, anxious.

What else you can do
Even if you did not received any calls from company request for interview, you still have things you can get ready for.

Find out technical questions that most likely will be ask. Study through the questions and ensure you had equipped with the knowledge to answer them if technical assessment will be conduct.

Read and catch up with the latest trend in current market. It is fine that you don't need to know everything, but getting some ideas of what is it.

Lastly
Speak out and show your passion. Convinced the interviewers that you are the right candidate for them, be genuine.

Determined

An article I read today and somehow I felt resonance as I'm sharing the anxious feeling there. So I'm going to post the link here to serve as a reminder for myself. I shall stay firm to the decision made and be loyal to my inner voice which has been telling me what I should do long time ago. No more hesitation.

http://techorange.com/2013/09/11/why-i-left-google/

Another Year

Looking back to my last year resolution that I had posted here, I thought I'm kinda lame for not fulfilling most of it (well, basically I have the tendency to drop it half way) and I was really wrong this round. Apart of the game development that me and Stephen used to talk passionately yet it died off, and the Linux paper which is half way through. I still completed the rest of what I had marked. (Applause to self for 5 min) Seriously, not bad, not bad at all.

Yet, another year passing (bow) with so much of experiences, lessons, bitter sweet memories, I have to once again put an end to it. Thank you so much on ME in 2013, you do a really good job for hang in there, do ya. Now, moving on to the new target and new resolution for new year. Here is the list I wanted to achieve:

1. Maintain a healthy sleep cycle.
2. Workout.
• Jogging & stretching in the morning.
• Swimming every once in week. When it is convenience okay.
• Cycling every once in week.
3. Drumming
• Linear drumming, fill in and song practice.
• Make it every Monday and Tuesday.
4. More study
• Make it 4 days a week.
• First priority - Linux. (Let finish up the long delaying paper)
• Second priority - Japanese. 
5. Photography
• Shoot more!
• Post-process more!
• Upload more!
• There is a reason for giving up the D90 and switch over isn't it. 

Oh uh, looks like the list is pretty tight. Let's give it a shot in 2014 as time is ticking away while I'm writing here. All the best, pal!

Confession

I miss him, sometimes. And it is frequent recently.

Still, I'm too much in my own dilemma to handle extra. Standing in front of junctions that lead to uncertainty.

Guess I'm pretty screw up ya. Such an unassertive and gutless person.

Breaking Apart

Hands are shaking...
Heart beating fast...
And I just keep accelerate, for I need to distracted away before it got so bad that I will start crying.

I know I need to share it out to off load my feelings. But on another hand, I do not feel like doing so. I almost lost it and going to break down in front of MK and SJ. And this is something I really hate to.

Again, car becomes one of the shelter place for me since I had cried once here. Perhaps, its because only me and music will be here...

Lost

Many times, I don't know what I'm struggling for, nor what I'm waiting for.

Over and over again, I am neglecting myself. For I already had the answer that nothing will change despite how many advices I had received from many people who cared for me.

LOST!!

Mask

Sometime, I may seem happy, cheerful, telling jokes around and laughing on each other.
Deep down ...frustration, confusion, depression had never let go of any single chance that they can find to slip into my mind.
So much that I felt lost, craving for light to shed on me and pull me out from this abyss, yet a vain.

Tho, I had learnt how to masquerade.
Telling myself that if there is one thing I can do to bring laughter out of people.
I shall endure.

Uncertainty

Dear my coward self,

There were time I would feel like kicking my own butt for sitting in one place far too long and yet I wasn't trying hard enough to change myself, nor influence the surrounding to be better. All I did was just making lot of noise, complaining, venting out, whining.

There were time I would hate myself for not assertive enough, couldn't make up my mind on what I want to do in my life. I always think I need more information and fact before I make any life time decision, yet I forgot about no risk no gain. Life is all about a game of betting, you may be win on this round, and lose it another around. Despite the outcome, you learnt and you move on.

Uncertainty is everywhere in our life, sometime you managed to catch a glimpse and sometime it is never been easy. And how many time I had forgotten about this as well. Come on, It's time to make a move and go on. ((´д｀))

Regards
Me.

Open Water Diver

Had a long weekend holiday last week in Lumut for the course. Now, I'm certified to dive in mermaid land :D Well, looking back to my targets that I had set in early of this year, there are a few that I had dropped and does not make it. However, I'm glad that I took up the courage to undergo the whole course and get myself a lifetime license. Perhaps my next target would be trying to get some more people to dive, so I can get more companions haha.

P/S: I'm a little lazy but I supposed I will post up a detailed entry about my impressed weekend later on.

New Year

Had been making plans with different parties which I foresee I will become busier for 2013.

• Linux exam in Feb, with WL.
• Taiwain trip in Aug, with Ang and WH.
• Scuba Diving, so I can visit Cynn who stay in Labuan.
  

These are main targets that I wish to fulfill in new year. Regardless, I too have some other targets and plans that I had make with other comrade too.

• Game development with Stephen.
• Cycling with mum.
• Hiking with AJ. 
• Swimming.
• Drumming.
  

Oh, not to forget I adopt a dollfie and I suppose I will have to do more photo shooting. I will soon get my hand on the doll at Feb when K is dropping by. And I also promised to bring him around during his vacation somewhere in Sept. 

A good start for the new year that I have so many to-do but apparently it doesn't look like I can complete all the above. So, one gentle reminder to myself that I should enjoy and get to learn a lot during the process, and less visualize about the outcome. It is alright to not finish it, because I can always come back to it, that I know it's true. Happy New Year! Wish everyone have a great year and achieve more than the past :D 

P/S: The most precious lesson I had learnt was to realize that I'm not alone :) It is good to have fighters with you and we move forward together, give each other a push when needed.